Glimpses of survivors after a neighborhood meeting…

July 23, 2006

          But, there is a reason why they can’t take questions right now, at the neighborhood association meeting I’m attending. In order for the presentation covering city services, such as school return, power restoration (except for the 9th ward, who knows when/if that will happen), national guard, favorite public landmarks, to run smoothly that woman has to put her hand down. Or else, she will break apart any sense of order; she will instigate a revolution in the crowd, open the suffocating lid, holding back the frustrations from people unable put their lives on hold any longer.

          I am sitting in a pier of a church hosting a Broadmoor Neighborhood Association meeting and the tech savvy power point presentation makes me feel like everything in New Orleans is under control. Personally, though, I am rather desperate to make contacts with people here. So, mid-meeting, I rise and a professor whispers, there are people hanging out in groups outside. I put on my unemotional reporter guise which means that I must mask all of my nervous self-conscious insecurities that I am definitely feeling for the purpose of a story. But, I don’t listen to the people I talk to and that is what I regret the most.                

          One of my professors and another student are talking to a woman whose teeth have been damaged from the stress she’s been facing, they told me. (Please ask Antoinette or Gene). A man, who Antoinette had spoken to, says that there is someone who would be able to talk to us. Brandy and I meet a short older woman named Thais McKay, who says she’s sixty-seven years old, repeatedly, and that she’s not a “spring chicken” anymore like us, as she jabs the side of my arm. She has no trailer of her own, but has her niece’s trailer on her property, but even then she ain’t got no electricity, meaning she ain’t got no lights. She’s tired of moving from staying at other people’s places. Like many others, she has a lot of family here, so she can be a wandering vagabond. (Has it really been ten months of that?) Especially because she had so long had her own home in a neighborhood where she has seen little girls grow up into women, and she used to have a job where she could cook her famous gumbo at a hospital, it must be hard. When we visited her at the trailer site later, she said that she didn’t want to go to work that day if she had to walk five blocks to get to the bus stop. The neighborhood meeting did not help her; she says she’s going to try to go to a church.                 

           For the racially curious, everyone filling the church at the meeting is black, except for some of us from Berkeley, and the lingering white reporter outside, who waits from afar until a camera films her, and she disappears. We wondered what she could have possibly said. I assume, because I did not see her interacting with the residents that she did not report on them. Could we have pulled her with us to cover what was needed to be covered? But, Chris and Althea were wondering if even if we tried if the news makers would follow.             

          I make eye contact with a beautiful woman dressed in a bright red tank top. She is part of a group of several women chitchatting outside. She lets me in. Virginia, upon hearing my inquiry, starts teasing another woman in the group. She says, oh, if you could talk to her, she’s got some things to say about the government. The woman addressed is laughing hard, and I feel as I’ve joined in some joke that I don’t understand. Virginia explains that this woman works under a government office, implying that she can’t criticize her employers on record.                   

         Virginia begins to talk about the “politics” being the problem, about the levee scandal, and the raising issue. (Later, I had to ask Antoinette about this issue of raising houses when she spoke of the incredible expense people faced to raise their homes, literally lifting houses higher off the ground. I think I read in the papers that this was one of the delays for rebuilding – people waiting, waiting, to know what the new requirements were. Antoinette suggests that the requirements ended up seeming rather arbitrarily enforced. I just checked and saw an article that said 5,000 public housing units to be “razed.” Was Virginia referring to demolishing housing?).

         She laughs after making her comments, telling me to shut off that thing, so I turn to the others in the group. The woman, who works under the government, asked if what she said could be anonymous. Oh, yes, I said, ready to accommodate. I might have thought we were still joking, for I think I was smiling foolishly, but whatever stupid thoughts I had were wiped away when she began to speak.                  

         Suddenly, her face was not facing me, she lowered her eyes, and she seemed focused on a world of just her and the recorder. Or rather, she was speaking on behalf of the people of New Orleans to a world beyond the individual me and I was frozen by her eloquence. “We the people of New Orleans,” she began, and continued saying that what they needed now was the truth and that they could no longer be redirected week by week, could no longer be told one thing this week and one thing the next. (I must transcribe here later; it was not long, but I’m not doing her justice). She ended with a formal “thank you” and I did not know what to do. The message was for the nation and I felt futile to be the only listener at that moment. How can you hear it?  

                The last woman in the group was Linda. I wish I could hear from you again. In the beginning, I don’t think she trusted me. She was a bit terse, asking me what I was trying to ask her. But, she began by saying how she considers herself a victim of Katrina, how her family has lost all their material possessions, how her family, her family, have been dislocated, dispersed. She lives in Houston, Texas, and she says she tries to come back every weekend, but “it’s getting expensive.” She says she tried to come to this community meeting to help the community come back. (On reflection, I think of how far she had come to a meeting, and judging from that meeting that did not meet the people’s needs, for what?). I think when she says that ubiquitous maxim: “well, there’s no place like home” she has a bit of a sarcastic smirk, but her eyes, I think they had tears in them.   

         I feel her skepticism for confiding in me and, hell, I wouldn’t have trusted me either because I couldn’t register her emotion; I could only register facts: okay, family is dispersed, they lost everything; she has a horrible commute just to be here. Later, a fellow student and I were discussing how improper it might be to approach a stranger like this and I agreed. I became self-conscious only after my robotic behavior.                

          I handed her the consent forms. But then she called me back as I turned away, “You’re studying African American Studies?” Her whole tone had changed, as if I were now an insider, albeit a non-black foreigner to the region. I wish I could lie and say yes! Never mind though, as Linda became all warmth and laughter. She pointed out some men who attended her church. She told me about how the community seems as if at a standstill and she’s worried about the lack of community between the communities. She told me she worked for a place that helped provide low-income housing and trained first time home buyers before the disaster. And after the disaster, well, they just provided free house gutting. I wish I could hear from you again. She was laughing when she made us, the Berkeley group, pose for a picture. I wonder if she believes in us.                

          A woman stopped and waited for me as I was helping someone sign a consent form. Wow, I thought, she wants to talk to me. “We need money now…I appreciate this survey you’re doing, but we need….” and the list was long for basic public services and I need to transcribe it here too. I tried to contact her later that week, but she was extremely sorry about canceling because someone was picking her up to meet with a contractor and she didn’t want to make me wait for her. I just remember that she ended her sentences to me with “baby” or some phrase of Southern endearment.*                

          A much older woman was waiting at the steps by me. I think I stand out like a sore thumb among the black people. After I explained myself, she asked me if I knew of anyone who knew about weeding her garden. Privately, I thought “what the,” but later, when Thais was trying to explain the condition of her overgrown lawn, looking so wild, but normal because all the lawns on her block were so, and how she couldn’t get a lawnmower, I changed my mind about her question. I called her back for “politeness” sake, clueless as to how to find this woman a lawnmower, and she asked me if I knew of anyone who could knock down her ceiling for her. But, at Common Ground, a volunteer organization, there were 400 houses on the waiting list, so the wait might be a couple months. She then said never mind. (ACORN has 1,000 houses on the waiting list as of 7/6/06).  

         I fear that this blog post seems like a laundry list of brief cursory encounters with people that I did not follow up on, but I hope that a “random” sampling of people after a community meeting can at least paint the scene of a community of survivors. (Lisa, Chris, Brandy, Paul, and Althea, all met a couple at the meeting that took them to their “home.” I only saw in the debriefing session afterwards that some of them were crying).

* Article in NY Times 7/17/06 by Leslie Eaton titled “Hurricane Aid Flowing Directly To Homeowners,” says that federal aid will start flowing into homeowner’s hands in late August. I guess that’s the answer to “when” the money will come. But the article is a little scary despite the promising title. I foresee a lot more headache/heartache for the people of New Orleans: The money will be put into “disbursement accounts” administered by mortgage lenders, and will be doled out to homeowners only as repairs are made or as houses are rebuilt or bought, he said. The company will provide counseling to explain the complex arrangements to homeowners. Under the Louisiana plan, the amount of money homeowners can receive will depend on the value of their houses before the storm and the amount of damage that is not covered by insurance. Loans and extra grants for raising houses off the ground and other preventive measures may also be available, subject to the $150,000 cap. Those who should have had insurance and chose not to do so will have their grants reduced by 30 percent. An even larger chunk, 40 percent, will be taken out of the grants to people who want to sell their homes to the state and leave Louisiana. (Those who relocate within the state are not penalized.)” The article says that 123,000 homes were damaged or destroyed.


She gives me a second chance…

July 20, 2006

          I was browsing in a souvenir shop in the French Quarter, a popular tourist destination of shops, restaurants, and bars that seemed more frivolous that day to me. I had been going through my own dilemma of whether I wanted to buy souvenir artwork which I feared was buying into the creed that everything was fine in New Orleans. I could carry back home a little painting of colorful musicians, hang it on my wall and forget. As I turned to books covering Hurricane Katrina at the front counter, an Asian store worker, who seemed to speak sharply, told me that the book I was touching, 1 dead in the attic, was a really good book to read.
          I was emotionally skeptical and contemptuous of her recommendation. Maybe, I was remembering when a fellow student was told by a bookshop owner that the New York Times coverage was fine, when we had come to show that news coverage was inadequate and neglected the black people of New Orleans. Maybe, I was thinking she was trying to sell me something. Maybe, I was thinking she was Asian, not fitting my image of a real survivor.
          “Really? Why do you say that?” I asked, scanning the pages. I was afraid the book was covering the tragedy immediately after the storm and the breaching of the levees, like the newly released book The Great Deluge that followed the week after, when I wanted something on what I was seeing while I was here. A published book implies that the history has passed? That those “five damn days, five damn days” are over? [The book covers until January 1, 2006, but today is July.] I went on.
         “I’m a student coming down here to gather stories and I’m not sure if people realize the problems that are happening now, but today we went to a FEMA trailer where this woman was staying and she didn’t have any electricity for air conditioning or lights. No one is helping –.”
         She either interrupted my bitter rant or immediately followed with a passion that took me by surprise.
         “My parents lost everything and they have been staying in my home. They didn’t even get a FEMA trailer –.”
         What? A student told me to hurry to catch the taxi. I asked the woman for her contact information and she hurriedly gave me her cell phone number, calling after me when she saw our flier, “You’ve come from California?”

         I had been so rude. I only came to respect her when she had a tragic story. What was I doing? I became very angry with myself.
         I saw the neighborhood meetings consisted of blacks, that most of the people I talked to were black, that the lower 9 neighborhood, a 70% black neighborhood with 14,000 displaced residents, is in desperate need of attention, information, and aid. But, I had become a racist or an exclusionist before I knew New Orleans, discounting the perspectives of white people, the white volunteers of Common Ground, discounting the perspectives of people who seemed better off, discounting local public officials, when I learned later that one had formerly been an activist, organizing a march with Jesse Jackson.
         A professor helped me cry out my hate and guilt and I think she was about to cry too. She told me some things that she learned since coming down about the white volunteers she met at a church who slept in back to back bunks in an auditorium, who had little opportunity to shower, one was called racist for not giving little children what they wanted. She told me about a Latino woman who was upset that my professor did not ask her story. But, this paragraph is my professor’s story, not for me to tell.
         I felt that some members of our group were trying to take on too much and figure out the mess in New Orleans. I was trying to figure out who the “good guys” and “bad guys” were. If only I could solve the mystery to these people’s problems! I realized that everyone here really wants love and everyone here is in a lot of pain and hurt.

        I got a ride back to the French Quarter three days later. The woman could talk; already she rushes forward, saying how talking has been her method of coping. My father is depressed. He lies in bed all day. She says that’s expected when the community is like that. [I remember what a neighborhood I saw looked like when I visited a woman in her trailer and saw that she was the only person living on her block, a silent block of overgrown weedy lawns, of front doors with the graffiti numbers, of dirt and debris on streets.] She wants to send her father to the Philippines so that he can recover. [I think she said her parents had only gotten 10,000 from insurance].
         I venture to say that this is all depressing even for me, but she stops me.
        “Oh no! You have to be strong!” she said. I feel embarassed. 
        She tells me about how people come to her and are surprised when they learn everything is not okay. We are in the store and customers are shifting. I turn off the recorder as a white couple comes to make a purchase. Then, this couple shares of how they are helping their friend rebuild her house. See, many of the people who come here are volunteers, the woman tells me. I turn the recorder back on. She blesses some volunteers.
        As she begins to talk about the failure of the government, how the police had left after the disaster, how the levees will only be rebuilt to a category 3, [But wasn’t Katrina a category 5?], she nervously asks me if I’m recording. But, I think this is important, I tell her. So she goes on and the scene is a bit odd because I’m aware of the quiet customers and her escalating voice, but I’m secretly wishing that they are all listening to what she has to say. I secretly still assume that they are ignorant and must listen to the passion in this woman’s voice.
         Her daughter calls and asks her mother why she is crying, the woman tells me with a smile. As I prepare to leave, I tell her that I want to buy that book. 1 dead in attic. Someone at our poetry workshop had read from it, reading:        

         “We [South Louisiana] are what made this place a national treasure. We’re good people…When you meet us now and you look into our eyes, you will see the saddest story ever told. Our hearts are broken into a thousand pieces. But don’t pity us” – Chris Rose.
         “I will give you a discount” she heartily proclaims. What? No. That is not what I want. She tells me that she cried while reading it. I give her my hand to shake and she covers my hand with both of hers. She had said that she feels as though New Orleans had been “forgotten.” “The city seems as though the disaster had happened just yesterday.” [It will have been a year next month].


‘Dying on the Mic’ at First Street United Methodist Church

July 17, 2006

“How did Dr. Agee do at the mental health workshop at the church?” a student asked after our group returned from the First Street bible study that I led.

“I got up there and choked in the beginning.” I confessed

   Kia cut me off ” You did fine, Dr. Agee. You didn’t ‘die on the mic’.”

But she was wrong, at first, I did die on the mic.

I’ve done Bible studies before. It’s actually a mental health workshop that is set in the context of a story from the Bible. So I was trying to recount the story of Paul and discuss conflict.  It would ultimately become a workshop on stress and burnout. I had done it many times before. But this was different.

This was no regular workshop. Anything that I knew about stress & conflict flew out the window when I got up in front of the fellowship hall full of Katrina survivors.

I second guessed myself on the podium and got nervous. I choked on the story of Paul, inwardly cursing myself for not using the story of Noah or Jonah or any biblical story with less details.  You would expect things to get worst when I got heckled from the crowd, by a Bishop! “Go back to Acts 10 that’s where the conflict is.” He hollered from the back of the fellowship hall.

I was dying on the mic, in slow motion as the Bishop questioned my interpretation of the bible. Even though I was getting schooled by an old school Bishop I actually felt relieved that I was being challenged on the Bible. Because, “I don’t have a doctorate in the Bible, my doctorate is in Psychology” I told him.

“Then tell us some Psychology,” he said “Can you tell us how to start rebuilding people instead of just rebuilding the city of New Orleans?”

I pretended to re-read my notes as I tried to calm my nerves. One of my students, Kimbra chimed in with a comment to buy me some time. I checked my feelings,  I felt humble, ill-equipped and too presumptious to tell them anything about stress. I didn’t know what to tell them so I started with the truth. “I’ve got some handy tips on stress, and depression, but I apologize, because I think that whatever I have to say may be deficient.”

Pastor Eden asked the congregation for more time for me to answer the Bishop’s question on re-building people. Soon after, I began to get flooded with other questions from the floor “How do I help people with anger.” “How long should someone have a pity party?” “Did you know that there is only one child Psychologist in the city?”

 I offered suggestions and used my students (Bonnie, Kimbra, Kia and Tori) as guides to a appreciative inquiry process of what the audience knew as first hand experts at survival. The solutions weren’t coming from me, I was a guide who could support and reinforce the methods they were already using. People smiled and clapped, and patted each other on the back. They seemed to feel validated and encouraged by offering suggestions and hearing from others.

We talked about supporting our leaders who were sure to be so burnt out that we need a new term for it like ‘ burnt over.’ One pastor confessed that he was overwhelmed and he needed the break that I provided that night. He even asked me to come back and support the pastors who are flooded with these same types of questions. I had brought some stress-relief hand outs but at first I hesitated to distribute them. Towards the end, I felt comfortable enough to share them, if any one would find them useful.

The last outburst came from the back of the room. I instinctively froze.

 ”Give us what you got, doc!” it was the familiar voice with the same intensity but a different tone. The Bishop had stopped heckling me, and was giving me a pass to proceed. Gratefully, I  was given a second chance at First Street church to redeem myself on the mic.  - Professor Agee –


Visualize

July 13, 2006

 sign in a storefront in the garden district

poets at FEMA camp

 poets in a FEMA trailer camp near Baton Rouge

 House in Gentilly (blocks and blocks of this exact thing)

all photos by g.hwang


It was like finding out your house and your neighborhood was bombed

July 13, 2006

One person I met with yesterday described the destruction of the levee break as though his neighborhood was bombed because it was basically wiped out by the flooding.  This really resonated with me because it echoed one of Gene’s poems that appeared in a Poetry for the People anthology.  It challenges readers to see the parallels in the plight of poor Americans and recognize our shared struggles.

 I have been thinking a lot about what can be done to make people more sensitive to not only what is happening here in new Orleans, but also more sensitive to the many people across the country and across the world who are struggling.

Why don’t we, as members of one human race, help each other?  Why are people so unresponsive to the fact that others are not having their basic needs met.

Its time to end compulsory military service in favor of community service requirements.  Everyone should be given the opportunity to help others.  Such a focus on service will help each and everyone of us face the reality that there is a severe lack of equality and tolerance.


Seeing my Dad in New Orleans

July 12, 2006

I met a guy walking down the street (it’s mostly a ghost-town but a few people are around)… He reminded me of my dad. He said he used to visit this elderly lady once a week. They would have coffee and donuts. But the elderly lady was evacuated to Houston during Katrina, and although they talk on the phone regularly, he hasn’t seen her since. He had two cats and he left out saucers of milk for them around the neighborhood before he evacuated. He never saw them again. “I just hope they didn’t die in pain.”

“I lost all my papers. If I died tomorrow, they wouldn’t even know who I am.” And he chuckled.

But the sad reality of it all, is that they probably wouldn’t, nor do they really care.


Setting The Tone…….

July 12, 2006

This morning I was in deep thought and was inspired to write the following note.  I felt that this message would set the tone for my interviewee musician/teacher Mr. Theron Lewis.

“Yesterday our group, The UC Berkeley Voices Project, toured the Oak Alley Plantation and we’re outraged and hurt by the misrepresentation of African American history.  Very little information was given on the slaves and we felt like our inquires and questions fell on deaf ears.  What I took away from this experience is that it is our responsibility to record our history.  We can not allow history to repeat itself and have our stories lost. 

As we speak today, keep this in mind and know that only we can best tell OUR story.  Our ancestors are gone and so are their stories BUT WE ARE HERE TODAY !  “


Makin’ Groceries

July 12, 2006

 

Makin' Groceries

 

The Hands of Sister Judith in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, 10 months after Hurricane Katrina

 

car keys

dangling on

her pinky

means DeRon’s mom

rides to work

today

 

a check for groceries

cuddled between her thumb

and index

means DeRon’s mom makes groceries

on the way back

to the FEMA trailer park

so her son DeRon can nourish

his stomach

tonight

 

means we can’t wait

on God’s hands

Sister Judith says

my hands

these hands are

God’s hands

now

 

July 12th, 2006

Emulation of Martín Espada’s “The Right Hand of a Mexican Farmworker in Somerset County, Maryland”


First Street United Methodist Church

July 9, 2006

Hoping to connect with some people that would be interested in participating in writing workshops and interviews, I went to First Street United Methodist Church, which has become a makeshift relief station.

Kia, Kimbra, Dr. Agee and I met so many beautiful people who showed interest in our project, agreeing to interviews and showing sincere enthusiasm for the project.  We met Reverend Eden, a young pastor who lost so much personally as well as within his congregation, along with choir members, band members, and countless other supporters. There are also over 100 volunteers living at the church, who have been gutting houses and working with children for months.

New Orleans is filled with beautiful people and I find myself increasingly amazed by how open and welcoming they all are. Despite the man-made tragedy that followed Hurricane Katrina, New Orleanians keep their faith and their hope. 

After seeing the destruction of the levee break first hand and hearing stories about blatant disregard for human dignity, I felt discouraged about the project, saddened for the people of New Orleans, and embarrassed because we as Americans have turned our backs on New Orleans.  Today’s trip reminded me that we can always work toward a better future.  My experience with the people at First Street United Methodist Church left me feeling renewed because of their unfailing positivity and thankful for the opportunity to encounter such lovely people.


Univ. of California Voices Project

July 8, 2006

Welcome to the blog of the UC Berkeley Voices Project.

This project was designed to tap into the voices of discplaced elders, youth, families, and community advocates in flood impacted New Orleans. This project was created as a collaborative effort by 3 lecturers and one graduate student all of whom are poets, writers, teachers and angry about the silencing of New Orleans’ historical communities. This project will take 10 undergraduate students to New Orleans to assist in the creation of a multimedia project that combines poetry, oral histories, video, audio to assist in the growing efforts to let people speak for themselves, and to assist in informing the national public about how, even after almost 10 months, displaced people in New Orleans are still surviving and struggling to maintain the right to return and rebuild thier city.

We’ve been preparing for this trip for a few months. Lectures, poetry workshops, reading, making connections. We can only anticipate what is in store for us. We are anxious, but ready to go!